There are a lot of articles about ‘dealing with failure’. 

But viewing a mistake or a failure as an isolated event that needs to be ‘dealt with’ won't help make the most of the experience. 

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And that’s what failure is: a real-life experience just like success.

So, this post is not about ‘dealing with failure’. 

It is about effecting a permanent mindshift - i.e. from associating failure with negativity and shame, to associating it with learning, growth, and indeed, success!! 

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This approach is called failing forward.

This mindshift is what will contribute to your child’s ‘learning to learn’ skills, and make them far more effective learners. 

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‍“You must learn to fail intelligently. Failing is one of the greatest arts in the world. One fails forward towards success.” Thomas Edison

15 practical ways for parents to help children learn from mistakes

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Failures and mistakes, like it or not, are real opportunities for growth and progress. Treating them as anything less is a wasted opportunity.

But not everyone comes pre-equipped with the knowledge of how to learn from mistakes. Being able to take a mistake or a failure and learn and grow from it is a core effective learning skill and must be nurtured, deliberately, with a lot of help from you, the parent.

These ideas will give you some ideas so you can better help your kids learn from mistakes, and stop fearing or avoiding them.

1. Build a Growth Mindset

Actively work on building a growth mindset from early on. Trust me, if there is one thing you can do as a parent, let it be this. I have written exhaustively about the growth mindset, but the bottom line is, the most successful people failed the most, because they tried the most, because they believed that they could try, practice and learn to do anything, without being limited by the fear of failure. In other words, a growth mindset. Avoid falling prey to these common growth mindset myths or misconceptions that may mislead you into thinking that top scores or easy praise are part of growth mindset.

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2. Walk the Talk

When you say you will love them no matter what, you need to put your money where your mouth is. No matter what, including when mistakes and failures occur. 

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How you react to their mistakes will not just determine your child's attitude towards fearlessly taking on new challenges, but also whether they will even share their mistakes with you in future. Remember, it is not failure they avoid, but the judgment and look of ridicule or disappointment on your face that accompanies it. 

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Similarly, watch your own behavior. Stop chiding yourself for mistakes and failures in front of the child. Forgive yourself, focus on the process and try to locate the mistake in the larger process to learn from it. Show them that you focus on learning from failure.

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3. Talk the Walk

Create an environment at home where you all can talk about failure openly and without any judgment or recrimination. When you see failure as a natural part of the learning process, there is no reason to treat it differently from any other element like reflection, success or resetting milestones. It is just a step. 

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So next time your child makes a mistake or fails in something, don't avoid talking about it. Don’t sugar coat it or side step it. Just find the right time and context when you think your child (and you) are in the right frame of mind, and talk about it, reflect on it. In a way, one needs to de-personalize failure by separating it from the person and relating it to a specific context or event.

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4. Focus on the Bigger Picture

Failure is a part of the learning process. So focus on the learning process, not the isolated event of a failure. Every failure or mistake or success is interconnected in a larger mesh of learning something new. So, locate the event within this context and then try and learn from it. 

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5. Learning is Always a WIP

To ‘fix’ mistakes, don't push for exponential improvements. Instead, build a culture where your child can commit to making small improvements everyday. 

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Mistakes are not the end - they are just a reminder to set or reset milestones, refocus on some areas, and put some checks and balances in place for a more efficient and effective learning effort.

Do not make room in your home for these 4 myths about mistakes!

6. Don’t Dwell - Reflect Instead

Positive thinking is nice to have. It may help you feel better. But it won't help you grow. 

To learn from a mistake or a failure, we need to practice reflective thinking. Make time for reflection as a family on a daily basis - reflect on the day and the events and experiences of the day, for example, at dinner time, using one of many reflection techniques.

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7. Stop Making Things Easy for Children

Every day offers so many opportunities for children to try, fail, make mistakes, learn, reflect, tweak their process, succeed and grow. Don’t deprive them of that by making things too easy, too convenient or friction-free. 

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Don’t feel the need to correct them every time they make a mistake - small or big. Instead, ask questions, observe the context, and share your perspective to help them arrive at the problem and the solution by themselves. 

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8. Understanding is the Antidote to Fear

In every failure, there are factors within our control, and factors beyond our control. Identify those factors and evaluate them rationally to decide on next steps, instead of fixating on the actual failure or blame.

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Some mistakes are unavoidable. Some failures happen because more factors were out of our control than within our control. Accept them, understand them. 

Understanding is the antidote to fear. 

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9. Separate Failure and Fault

In the event of a failure, do not look to pin fault. Once children start associating failure or mistake with fault, they become even more terrified of making mistakes, more risk-averse. 

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Instead of focusing on the fault, focus on the fix (if needed) and more importantly, on the learning, insight or growth.

To do so, reflect back the process to identify the weak link. Instead of a culture of blame, build a culture of taking responsibility and being accountable for the process - wins and losses. Look for the cause, not the fault. Once you identify the cause, it’s easier to address it constructively. 

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For example, a failure from a lack of effort needs different redressal from a failure that's occurred as a result of well-intentioned and well-planned experimentation. An HBR article I read about failure in the professional context, suggests that the latter actually generates valuable learning opportunities and should be praised. I quote:

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“A sophisticated understanding of failure’s causes and contexts will help to avoid the blame game and institute an effective strategy for learning from failure. Although an infinite number of things can go wrong in organizations, mistakes fall into three broad categories: preventable, complexity-related, and intelligent.”

10. Leverage the power of YET

Remind your child that learning is a process, and by using the right combination of learning techniques and learning skills, they will improve. Remind them that just because they are unable to get it right yet, doesn't mean they wont get it in time. Make a growth mindset their default learning mindset.

Every time the child says “I haven’t got it right”, add ‘yet’.

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11. Do not React to Failure; Respond to it Instead

Do not be in a hurry to react to any news of failure or mistakes. Help your child learn to take their time to process it, reflect upon it, and make a well-considered and well-informed response when they are ready. In the learning context, this includes not making any grand declarations based on report cards or grades, but rather building a performance improvement plan and working it into the effective learning strategy.

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12. Value the Failure Experience As Much As the Success Experience

Remind your child that no experience goes to waste. Their experiences are a precious and unique learning resource - one which only they have access to. Do not let them let it go to waste. Instead, harvest them by writing, journaling or verbally reflecting upon them, and giving their mind time to process it and make the connections needed to learn from it - whether it is a success or a failure experience, both should be treated with the same ownership, both are opportunities to learn, and both need to be reflected up on before deciding on the next best steps.

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13. Encourage Kids to Care About People, Not Their Judgements 

Really. I’m putting this here because too many parents today are too concerned about having an 'instagrammable' result to share with the world and their 600 ‘friends’. Help your children disconnect the notion of failure and mistakes from the judgment of people. Failure is a personal experience, one which needs personal evaluation, not judgement.

14. Rename it to Reframe it 

Sometimes, reframing the idea of failure as something totally non-threatening may be useful. This works especially well with younger kids, but anything goes. Consult your child to come up with a word that works well for both of you - a signal for ‘we need to understand this and figure out what to do next’.  My kids and I call them “Beautiful Oops” based on the book “Beautiful Oops”.  Sometimes, we chant, “I made a boo-boo, so my brain grew-grew”, and then one of us invariably asks how their brain grew, which leads to a discussion that’s focused on the learning from the mistake rather than the mistake itself. 

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15. Consult your Child 

Your child knows themselves best. Consult with them via the reflection process on what they may try differently next time, what is not working for them, what help they need, etc. Do not assume you know what they need or that you know everything about how they learn, just because you are grown up! 

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Ready to Succeed at Failing Forward?

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If you have got this far, then congratulations! Your child will thank you for helping them understand failure and turn it into growth instead of fearing it. 

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These ideas, though practical, are not about normalizing failure to the point of becoming complacent. They are about better understanding why it occurred and what can be done to improve the process. 

It is about being accountable for our mistakes as much for our successes, and helping children remember that though failure is inevitable, it is not the end - it is just another step in our learning process. 

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While failure is inevitable, those who understand it don't give up, they learn from it.

And that is the most invaluable learning skill you, as a parent, can give your child. Because failing in life is inevitable - how they are equipped to deal with it is the real difference.

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Also read:

All our Curated Resources on Failing Forward

9 Surprising Mistakes Parents Make With Effective Learning at Home

18 Ways Parents Can Help Kids Build a Growth Mindset

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